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012 - Surviving Infidelity: How to Forgive Your Spouse for an Affair

How can I recover from the betrayal of my partner and my best friend?

20 Oct I remember everything about my husband's extramarital affair. I will never forget it , and neither will anyone else who's been through it. It is not possible to forget something as significant as the betrayal of the one you love the most in the world. However, when I remember, I no longer have pain associated. 14 Dec Relationship expert Andrew G Marshall looks at some of the key learning points to remember when you're trying to recover from an infidelity. 1) It is early days in the recovery process 2) Recovery is not a straight line 3) You're trying to control your partner and his or her lover when the only things you can. 6 Oct Michelle Jones always assumed that if she caught a boyfriend or spouse cheating that would be the end of the relationship. The San Francisco mom discovered a hidden cache of emails from her husband to another woman. Michelle Jones, 49, chose to save her marriage after her husband's.

Zoe Ball and Norman Cook are back together again in a blaze of publicity and a wave of goodwill from a public delighted to see that marriage CAN survive an affair. Of course, it's early days yet and no doubt the memory of what happened is still raw and painful for them both.

How To Get Over An Affair And Move On

Yet their very public reconciliation begs an important question. It may be possible to forgive, but surely it's impossible to completely forget a partner's infidelity. So what can be done to cope with the memory if you decide to stay together? Relationships counsellor Julia Cole, author of After the Affair: She identifies several different types of affair, but says that of these, two - the 'experimental' affair and the 'notice me' affair - have the best chance of surviving infidelity.

Once this is done, they may realise they actually want to return to their relationship. Couples often blame an affair as the cause of their problems.

In fact most affairs are symptoms, rather than causes, of relationship breakdown. They often appear after a relationship has been in trouble for some time,' says Julia.

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So for a successful reconcilation, without too many damaging memories lasting for years, those difficulties have to be tackled directly. However, Relate counsellor Denise Knowles warns that for couples like Zoe and Norman, this is far from easy. The painful memories do linger, perhaps a great deal longer than expected. The best thing a couple can do if they want to move on together without too much pain is recognise the positive things that have gone on between them since the affair, and what has changed for the better.

Of course, it's unrealistic to expect that an affair can ever be completely forgotten. But one thing that can delay a couple from moving on is the power shift between couples who choose to stay together. The unfaithful partner may feel so guilty that they spend all their time trying to make amends for what happened.

The problem is, they may be putting too much energy into doing this, with the result that the issues that caused the affair in the first place may not get tackled. Denise feels that the only realistic way couples can put an affair behind them is to communicate far more openly than they ever have before - not easy when jealousy and hurt are the major emotions between you.

Say what you absolutely won't tolerate from now on, and make a whole new set of ground rules. This time, be upfront enough to say what you want and make it clear that you want might change over time.

Avoid snap decisions to stay or go. Partners caught up in an affair may feel compelled to throw out their partner, or rush to the divorce courts, but this is almost always a mistake.

There is a huge amount at stake in a divorce; take some time, before considering this as an option, to discover what you really want. It's too easy to say: The affair indicates a problem and you need to sort out what it is: It may be difficult to disentangle yourselves from the raw emotions raked up by an affair. Looking at your future options is an invaluable step in the process towards starting again, but may be too difficult for some couples to do without the assistance of a counsellor.

It sounds obvious, click here often the partner who has had the affair is reluctant to do this.

Their lover provides an emotional 'bolthole'if attempts at reconciliation fail. By promising not to contact the lover again the partner who has had the affair is making the vital first step back to re-establishing trust.

No comments have so far been submitted. Why not be the first to send us your thoughts, or debate this issue live on our message boards. Could you get How To Get Over An Affair And Move On an affair? Opportunity 'An 'experimental' affair happens where the unfaithful partner wants the opportunity to have sex with another person, either because of sexual inexperience or boredom.

Positive 'Affairs leave an indelible mark on relationships and there's no quick fix. Don't blame the affair. Can your marriage live with the memory of an affair? You can talk about the affair without fighting or bringing it up in every row 2.

You think you have learnt lessons about why it happened 3. You talk about important matters with openness and honesty 4. You are capable of taking joint ownership of the reasons for the affair 5.

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After the Affair: How to Get Through the Pain of Infidelity

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I want to upfront with you - I earn a commission from BetterHelp. It's time to deal with any underlying issues - those you've been aware of but avoided until now. Avoid snap decisions to stay or go. It was a life that had become better than anything I could have ever imagined.

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But with that said, I am in no way saying that this was the best choice for either of you, or anyone who chooses to leave. This second phase of affair recovery comes after the crisis has ebbed and you are moving past your intense anger and confusion. Thank you for your words. Are the two of you really on the right track?

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How To Get Over An Affair And Move On