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Try to think about what was it that specifically bothers you the most about cheating or lying. Was it the after effect, or how it affected others/the situation? Or is it about how it made or currently makes you feel? Asking yourself these questions can help you forgive yourself because then you can understand the. 6 Feb Forgive yourself. Beating yourself up will be the death of you. It will literally suck all the living force out of you. I remember running into a church to beg God for forgiveness. I could not forgive myself for what I had done to my ex and those around me. Every day I had to live with the consequences of my own. 18 Mar So you made a mistake. You cheated on your significant other and now you're struggling with the guilt of it all. It's absolutely normal to experience feelings of remorse for a little while, but you should also learn that you're only human, and mistakes happen. Read on to find out how to forgive yourself after an.

For 10 years I have been involved in a relationship I shouldn't have had. It was the closest relationship I have ever had, fulfilling, mutual respect and I was deeply in love. However, the relationship should never have happened because it was outside my marriage and had the potential to cause untold damage. I betrayed a lot of people close to me in order to maintain it, even though those people never knew about it — the depth of the relationship and the duration of it.

Now it has come to an end and I am devastated and still very much in love. It feels as if someone has died though I cannot publically grieve over it. My husband is a good person who I have been with for 24 years. Though our marriage was obviously not perfect otherwise this would never have happenedhe didn't deserve to have such a betrayal.

I don't believe I am a bad person, and I know I have gone against everything I believe in to be involved in such an affair for such a long time. I feel that to explain to my husband the full extent of the situation would tear him apart, cause unnecessary pain to my children and I am sure he would choose to leave.

How can I ever forgive myself for what has happened? How can I find peace How To Forgive Yourself After Cheating, and begin to move forward? Annette, you are grieving now over the loss of something that gave How To Forgive Yourself After Cheating undescribeable joy and your mind is clouded. In this state, it is best to do nothing and allow time to heal you first. For 10 years, you held this secret in your heart.

During this time have you ever wanted to reveal it? If you did not, why would you do this now? For 10 years, you lived this life.

Was your conscience naging at you during this time?

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If not, why would it now? I cannot either condemn nor condone an affair or in this case a second relationship but I can understand that humans possess How To Forgive Yourself After Cheating infinite spectrum of emotions that are expressed in various ways. You expressed yours in your way. To express it for such a long time is a choice you made, not merely a whim.

It IS your life. You do not have to forgive yourself for your life and your experiences. Ask yourself this though: For 10 years you had something else that gave you joy, what will give you joy now?

Another thing that resonates with me is this: This cookie cutter approach is damaging to psyches of those who are not cookie cut.

Some people are gay, and society is just now starting to accept them, some people are polyamorous, and society still frowns upon that. Have you considered that you may just be polyamorous? Within that answer will be the answer of what to do next.

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This is another matter entirely. It's not a matter of what you reveal to him now, or how much it will hurt him, it is more of a matter if you can stay with someone who does not know the true you.

Ask yourself, what do you want in your heart, what do you want your life to be. When you feel this, and it resonates with peace and relief with you, then take appropriate action, whatever that action may be for you. What saddens me is that you have to hide your sorrow from those that love you. What saddens me is that you cannot be yourself because you had to hide for so long.

What saddens me is that you are still hiding. What saddens me most is that you are not alone in your predicament, there are so many others is this world that are in very similar situations to yours, so many that cannot accept themselves as they are and have to resort of hiding in the shadows instead of shining their light.

You cannot change the pastonly step into the present and future embracing you as you are. Hello Helen Thankyou for your reply and your compassion. Yes, you are right that I need to allow myself time to heal in order to look at my marriage objectively and to be able to decide what to do, but your comment about whether my husband knows the true me resonates with me because obviously for years I have been aware that my friend is the only person who knows the true me — not just because of the affair but because I was able to express my feelings to him in a way that I was unable to do with my husband.

You asked if I ever wanted to reveal the friendship to my husband. The answer is I did at times but chose not to. Though I had my selfish reasons for doing this I had the best of both worlds — security and a great person to confide in and who was understanding in a way that my husband wasn'tI also was fearful of the shock waves and damage revealing it could cause as this friend is within my immediate community and at the time it would have been impossible to avoid him and his family.

I misguidedly believed How To Forgive Yourself After Cheating could deal with my emotions and keep everything under control. Yes my conscience nagged me continuously and both of us were continually fearful of being found out.

So why would we continue? The answer is that we both felt inexplicably drawn to the the relationship. I have always been very idealistic about marriage for life and to experience such a strong attraction was almost shocking to me. I completely felt at ease with this man and at times felt my reactions to him were difficult to understand but also felt almost out of my control. I have supported him through his daughter's serious illness, he has supported me through my husband's life changing illness and many aspects of our lives.

I am not a particularly spiritual person but I had an overwhelming feeling that we had met for a reason I still feel this way and I guess rightly or wrongly this justified my actions. I don't know if some people might think of this as naive.

He referred to me as the best friend he didn't know he had never had and click the following article that he didn't feel the level of guilt I did because he felt we were meant to be together and he had just met me at the wrong time.

We have brought emotions out in each other that we have never experienced before some good and some bad. My question now is this. How To Forgive Yourself After Cheating you met someone at the age of 20 and that person be perfect for you at that time but not be the right person 25 years down the line?

My husband was exactly the person I needed when I was young — he was calm, stable, confident and he has always been a good father to my children. By contrast my friend is passionate about life, has energy and enthusiasm and is not afraid to show emotion. How To Forgive Yourself After Cheating am a different person to the one I was at 20 and I want to get out and enjoy life with a confidence I didn't have when I was younger. We talked about how we would share and enjoy life in a way that I cannot imagine doing with my husband.

Sure, there is some common ground in interests that I have with my husband but over the years we have grown apart and enjoy doing different things.

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Though my relationship with my friend has finished it seems that we have both acknowledged that there may be an opportunity in the future to be together. More info am finding myself holding on to this idea a little too tightly, and am concerned that it is going to prevent my healing process and therefore my ability to properly evaluate whether my husband and I still have enough to work on to be How To Forgive Yourself After Cheating to stay together.

Hi Annette, I am sorry for your pain. First I think it would be healing for you to acknowledge yourself on such lessons you have learned from this. Good for you for recognizing what you really value in your life.

I would examine what is the purpose of revealing your affair to your husband.

Understand what led to the situation, accept any errors you have made, and resolve that you will learn from them. Acceptance is a very important part to being able to move on. Once you accept, you feel healed but you will always carry the scar.

As you noted, it would probably give him and your children great pain. I've have heard from therapists that How To Forgive Yourself After Cheating the underlying reason to reveal our affairs is to share the burden of our guilt with the partner and that is tremendously selfish. This makes a lot of sense to me. The other questions you have are how you can forgive yourself and move forward.

I believe that until you commit to loving your husband then forgiveness is academic. This probably will take a while and a big internal shift within yourself. Love is a verb. I would think you really need to emotionally let your relationship go before being able to fully move on. You may need to really examine if you can love your husband and that you are able to bring your full self to the marriage. If not then you have some work to do on yourself first.

A therapist suggests that yes, but a marriage counselor would suggest the opposite.

If a marriage is going to be fixed, then all the cards need to be on the table, and that includes the affair. Owning up to your choices, fixing what is broken inside of you as well so it doesn't ever happen again. Your husband may forgive you if you are remorseful and confess and are ready to work with him to fix things. I question the benefit in revealing the affair to the husband.

How To Forgive Yourself After Cheating

I agree on owning up to one's choices and addressing the underlying causes so the affair won't occur again. I believe that affairs are the symptom of a problem but not the problem itself. Helen, you seem to be struggling with the larger issue of whether or not that your husband is the right partner for you.

You may want to explore who you are right now, where you want to do with your life.

How To Forgive Yourself After Cheating

This affair may be the wake up call for you to look hard at yourself. I believe this process would be more valuable for you do this on your own rather than counting on your friend or husband.

This would be a good time for therapy, How To Forgive Yourself After Cheating or Eat, Pray, Love or a Vision Quest or other explorations that would help you in uncovering who you are now. Thankyou Macintosh and Mark for your opinions which I value greatly. I think it would be very hard now to confess to my husband as to be honest I do not feel at the moment particularly remorseful because of the fact that I learnt so much about myself and got so much positivity from the affair — even though it is causing me such sadness now I cannot in all honesty say I regret it happening.

My husband did have an idea that the relationship was possibly overstepping the mark but that's just it. He is under the impression that I came to rely too greatly on my friend's friendship but is unaware of the huge depth of my feelings or the duration of the relationship.

Just forgive and forget its over and done with so why live in the past your only damaging yourself: You can go to the person and apologize if that helps. I'm sure you have forgiven a friend or family member for messing up in the past, so treat yourself with the same forgiveness that you would give to others.

Sad as it may seem the relationship obviously replaced what was missing at home even though at the start of it I can genuinely say I didn't believe anything was missing!

Interestingly for the first time today I feel angry to my friend for taking his friendship away whereas before I felt overwhelming sadness and grief. I can only hope that this might be the very beginnings of some kind of healing process though I know the road ahead is incredibly long and bumpy.